Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Back from my much anticipated bangkok trip. It was a pleasant 5 day trip, at least i didn't think much of the shit i had in Singapore. Bought quite a lot of things and had a ball of a time with my mates. Shall devote an entry on my trip when i have figured out how to upload the pics.

Now that i am back home, i am back to reality ground zero once again. I have actually knew from the day i left for Bangkok that i could probably escape for 5 days and after that nothing much has changed. Probably I wanted just to deceive myself that everything would be fine after 5 days. In actual fact, it hasn't. Who am i trying to kid, myself or my friends around me?

I know it's in the mind, but it isn't that i have total control in. Once again, it's the feeling of helplessness, not being in control of what's going on in the mind. And the feeling of being floating around, just hoping time would pass smoothly without any nasty feeling. It's shit.

I had convinced myself in the past that i wouldn't have time for affairs of the heart, as i would be busy being a Raffles Place slave, jetting around countries to close deals or to spend my time working my way up the corporate ladder. I still believe i have what it takes to move up the corporate ladder but i realise i still have feelings too. So my wish to scarifice marriage or relationships in favour of a successful career doesn't really quite go the way that i want.

And it is very true that you do need someone beside you whom u can turn to. I think everyone needs someone around when one is feeling vulnerable and unhappy or to share happiness. Or someone to go with when all your friends are busy with one thing or another. Not even the strongest person can say they can do without relationship. Bullshit. In my own eyes, i am an independent and mentally strong young chap, but there are really times one needs someone to share my feelings.

And the worst thing to happen is know from the start is that how i feel is actually doomed from the beginning. No chance of anything to happen and it wasn't in my slightest hope that something would blossom cos it just would not. So the solution is simple yet hard. To adjust my own emotions. The idea is how to remove the thorn in my heart and move on. So the thing to do lies with myself,not the other person.

First telling sign that something is wrong. When you suddenly feel a tightness in ur chest and literally cannot breathe. And you have the strong urge to msg or call the person. Then u msg..and u feel relieved but yet feel lousy at the same time because you know the person doesn't want to talk to you or might be thinking of someone else. Would you feel cheap or someone without dignity? I do because the person is simply not interested and i am like doing an act to hard sell myself. I would imagined the other person thinking " Why is that cock still msging me? He is making a joke of himself". Damn, am i really cheapening myself and stoop to such a level? I know my friends cannot imagine me doing that. I myself can't too.

I have to remind myself that i have been through this before and i can survive this time as well. It will take a long time, so i am very afraid of having such emotions. It's like fighting an illness alone so it will be a painful and long battle. Probably a battle without many sleepless nights and days with self closure to the world.

I wish i am devoid of any emotions