Saturday, August 12, 2006

I seriously dunno how am i supposed to feel now. One thing is for sure, i am moving much slower these days. Not physically, but in the past i was moving faster than time, but now i just think i am moving at a crawling rate. Indeed, i am trying my best to forget what is going on, because there isn't anything i can possibly do but to forget. As much as i try to forget and put my heart into things like textbooks and tutorials, i am well aware i am just trying to cover things up.

It is just like trying to pour sand into a pit-less hole. I can never be able to fill the entire hole because it is just an attempt to cover the whole thing up. It is actually hollow inside. But isn't the only possible thing i can??? I can only put my whole damn soul in my tutorials, or take some time to play tennis , watch some tennis on tv. I have to tell myself that this is what i should do, though deep inside, i am hoping there is going to be a change in the present situtation. But Unlikely.

How do i actually bring myself to tell my friends that i feel sucky presently? There is so much that they can say and i know that. Indeed i feel so much better with their presence and i thank them for that but they cannot be there for me all the time. And most importantly, they do not know the details and i dun intend to tell them, unless i really cannot take it anymore. They guess but all i can say, it isn't the way things are. I dun want them to change the impression of me, i want them to remember me as the nice and chirpy mun keet. Not mun keet with a dark side.

I know i am undergoing a rough patch. But knowing that i survived what happened 5 years gives me a glimpse of hope that i can get through this. It is just a matter of time. I know it and i hope.